I know this guy who's wife never wanted to have sex. He would ask my advice on what I thought the problem was and what he could do to make her want to have sex with more frequency.
He said she always complained about her body and said she felt too fat and unattractive. I asked him how he would respond to that and he said he would assure her that he was still attracted to her (this couple had been married for over 20 years). While we are having this converstation he happened to be looking through a W magazine that was laying on the table. When he would come across a photo of a young, thin, exceptionally beautiful (ahem..airbrushed) model, he would comment on how hot she was. I pointed out that it was interesting that he didn't make the same comments when he flipped to a page with an ordinary, middle aged, not emaciated woman.
When he really thought about it he finally had some sort of understanding about how his wife might somehow have gotten the idea that he didn't find her attractive anymore.
I told him the next time he was flipping through one of her Redbooks or Better Homes & Gardens to look for a picture of a woman who had similar features and body size to his wife and comment nonchalantly on how attractive she is. Maybe when his wife takes a peek at her, she will think "now that I can compete with". If all men did this for their wives or girlfriends then maybe we could start reprogramming the female population to believe we are good enough just the way we are.
observations and anecdotes
7 comments:
Exactly! When I learned that my husband's "fantasy woman" was Queen Latifah, I felt a "wooo hooo" rising up in my soul. I realized I had her body type - and if he found her sexy, I might be too. Of course, we all haev to find a way to truly believe we are sexy and attractive without a man to confirm that for us. Great post!
Yes, well, I stopped competing with the newscaster types my husband drools over long ago (yes, he's a geek). It's kinda a joke in our house.
When the 2004 summer games came along I was informed by my hubby that I needed to "pick an olympics boyfriend" - so he wouldn't feel guilty about his olympics girlfriend, Misty May. As you may or may not know, Misty May is a member of the gold medal winning women's beach volleyball team. My husband said, "well, just so you know, I picked Misty May and not the other girl because she's 5'10, just like you"... thanks honey, I feel so much better now.
When the ladies won the gold, Misty jumped on her teammate, taking her to the ground where they rolled around in the sand for a few moments. Our Tivo got a workout that day - I think my hubby rewound and watched that about 10 times... and being the perfect wife, I just sat there and let him. We both laughed hysterically.
Oh gosh. Do we really have to talk about this?
I think that a woman doesn't want to have sex if she doesn't feel attractive. I don't think it has as much to do with how the husbands feels but more about how the woman feels herself.
If I feel sexy in an outfit I don't care if my husband hates it. If I feel comfortable and confident, then I feel powerful and that makes me feel sexy.
but sherri, we all know you are the exception to the rule. PS: has their ever been a time in your life when you didn't want to have sex??
Here's a thought (and I wonder if this doesn't make me a little more enlightened than most guys out there): You're NOT in competition with the girl on the page of some magazine. The truth is, she can't compete with you, and that's why you're not in competition with her. She's not REAL, and you are and that gives you an infinite advantage.
I saw an interview with Michelle Pfeiffer a while back. She'd refused to dress up for the interview, refused to wear makeup. And you know what? She's average, a regular girl. Kate Hudson did the same thing more recently.
It's all smoke and mirrors...give me a real woman, any day. Or night.
(Please?)
~Kurt
Me? Not want to have sex? Hmmm? Well, there was that two weeks after having my first child.....
i think a lot of woman feel the pressure of how society thinks we should look. every commercial, just about, has some beautiful goddess somewhere. it's no wonder there are so many pills and eating disorders out there. we may tell ourselves it doesn't matter what size you are but really there always seems to be a younger woman out there and all the men want her. so what's left for us? i think the saddest part about it is young teenagers (and preteens) hear the comments and catches on pretty quickly to what this is all about. that's why there are endless tv shows with pregnant teens or just teens with poor self esteem. i know a woman who sneaks a snack to her daughter during break because she doesn't eat lunch...'because her friends all think they are fat'...she's thirteen! little rant there...i'm over it.
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