Saturday, June 23, 2007

adventures of Harty and Joey

Last July, I posted about my daughter's imaginary children and thought I'd give a little update about what they've been up to.
To refresh your memory or for those of you who are new, the following is an excerpt from last year's post:

My five year old doesn't have imaginary friends, she has imaginary "children." I know she has at least five but the two who get the most attention are Harty and Joey.

Harty is a sweetheart and very likeable child. She helps Mazzy pick up her room and shares her toys with the other "kids." Harty has pink hair and is five years old. Today is her surprise birthday (it is ALWAYS her birthday and Mazzy ALWAYS wants to buy "Harty" a present). Her favorite language is French and she is fluent. She frequently gives Mazzy lessons in French. In case you didn't know ~ "maroya" is how you say "love" in French (hey, Harty should know). Harty wants to be a ballet teacher when she grows up.

Now, Joey is the little stinker of the group. He is often responsible for messing up Mazzy's room and once even locked Mazzy in her closet. Joey is four years old and likes water guns and wants to be a watergun boy fairy when he grows up. Last week Mazzy told me a secret about Joey. She said to me "he has big boobs like you, Mom." Mazzy says she loves him and is teaching him how to be good. Joey is in school right now, he has summer school (of course). Mazzy is fluent in "Rubbish" and she learned this from Joey. Joey isn't allowed at Nana and Papa's house anymore after acting up over there and making a mess. I've tried to ban him from our house but he keeps sneaking back in.

WELL, I hadn't heard much about the "kids" lately so I asked Mazzy yesterday where the heck they've been. She told me that they have been on vacation and should be home by "bednight" tonight.
Evidentally they have been vacationing with their Grandma in the woods behind Preppygirl and Galoot's house. I asked if they had tents or a trailor and she told me that they sleep hanging from the trees.
At some point between last July and now, they became vampires. More specifically "tree vampires" as they live in trees (duh, and the fairy vampires live in flowers and the mermaid vampires live in seashells).
She did inform me that vampires are "nocturnal" and that is why they will be arriving home at "bednight."
SO, Joey is a big boobed, rubbish speaking, water gun toting, sneaky vampire now. Great, as if he wasn't hard enough to live with before.

Friday, June 15, 2007

the dickhead lane and dickhead semi driver

I was driving back from a visit with Preppygirl yesterday and it was hellacious. Pretty much the entire state of Ohio is under construction and just when you get a good stride going and have the cruise control set, you come upon another single lane work area.
So, I was in such a stretch and cruising along listening to Sharkboy and Lavagirl play on the DVD player, when I suddenly realized that I was in the dreaded "dickhead lane."
I am usually a very curteous driver and have been known to wave other drivers in front of me in because I know that sometimes people end up in that lane by accident. So, when it happened to me, I fully expected some kind, easy going driver to make way so I could merge. No such luck.

I had not seen the road sign that said "left lane ends" and didn't realize that it was ending until I was already past the last car in the right lane. You know, you have no choice at that point but to put on the turn signal and creep your way into the right lane. It's not like you can put it in reverse and go back to the end of the line. I didn't try to drive all the way to front like some "dickheads" do, I was only trying to cut in a few cars ahead of where I would have been anyway. I picked a semi, because usually it takes them a little longer to creep forward and you have some space. Well, the asshole semi I chose was like that freaking crazy semi driver from that 1970's movie "Duel." He literally would get like inches from the car in front of him just so I could not get in. I had my signal on and it was obvious I needed in but he would not relent. I tried several tmes and even gave the "please, sorry, my bad" look, like just let me in, but he would rather cause an accident than let me in (and with kids in my car!!)
I was forced to drive up to the front of the line and cut off an unsuspecting girl. I was certain he was coming after me to force me off the road. I seriously was so creeped out that I drove about 85 mph for an hour to get as far away from him as I could. I know there must have been other red semis because I swear that I kept seeing a red semi in my rear view mirror. CREEEPY!!