vagina monologues

i've had some interesting posts lately haven't i? not.

well here's one the fellows might want to skip (and anyone else who isn't interested in hearing about my vagina)

I had my yearly exam (ladies YOU know the one) about two weeks ago. I know, fun, right?! Well, I got a call from my doctor a week later. Yes the actual doctor left the message not the nurse or receptionist so of course I'm freaking out. She tells me who she is and that I need to call her back.
Well, I call back and talk to her nurse (because at this point doctor is busy of course) and find out I have to have a "colposcopy" (not colonoscopy). WTF? Let me tell you that a colposcopy is a wonderful little test that involves a speculum, metal scraper, black goo, and ends with the doctor shoving a tampon up so far that you feel it in your stomach.
The actual definition can be found here if anyone cares to read it.

My pap came back with "mild dysplasia" and this is the standard test to determine if it actually is dysplasia or just an infection or something that caused the test to read abnormal. It must be very common because first the nurse asked me if I'd ever had this procedure before. "uh...no" and then when my doctor came in she also asked if I'd ever had this done before (she said it in a way that was like "gee everybody is doing it") She said that I have to call for the results next week (now watch she'll call and leave a message for me to call her again and I'll think the worst). Anyway if it is dysplasia then I'll have to undergo some sort of "cryosurgery." Sounds fun doesn't it? NOT. Hopefully that won't be necessary.

hopefully all you women have had your yearly exam this year because this is the kind of stuff it finds and if it is dysplasia which could be pre-cancer cells (if i'm understanding correctly) then i'm certainly glad they found it now and not in five years when it's not in the "pre" stage anymore. So, ladies if you love your vagina (and who doesn't?) then make the call.

Darn that Joey!

Some of you may remember my five year old daughter's "son" Joey who is a bit of a troublemaker. Well this morning I had a hard time waking up my daughter for school, she was extra tired. She told me that she couldn't sleep at all last night because Joey was up playing his drums all night.
I did manage to get her up and off to school (not a good morning).
She just got home and has huge bags under her eyes. I asked her if she was tired and told her she was going to bed early tonight to catch up on her sleep. She whined back that she "doesn't want any ketchup on her sleep."
I chuckled.

Thursday 13

Stealing this list from Galoot. 13 words or phrases i can see from my desk.

1. A Revolution in Kindness
2. AMANDE EXFOLIANT CORPOREL
3. Contains 40 sticks.
4. Grapevine, Tx. Permit no. 218
5. Artist As Survivor
6. True stories and tools for activism you can believe in.
7. Greeting from Scotland!
8. OPEN ALONG EDGE
9. Audra's phone number
10. Ultra Chilled
11. Support Community Trade
12. good buddy notes
13. A Story Waiting For You to Make it Happen

I'm a freak

Some rambling thoughts this morning:

I am still sad about steve irwin and it doesn't make sense (seriously, it's not like freaking eddie vedder [who I dated in the early 90's {in my mind}] died.) I read that the video of him dying shows him pulling the barb out of his chest and there is that moment on his face where he knew that this was a fatal wound. Horrible. People are debating on whether to show this footage or not. Morbid, I sincerely hope no one gets their hands on that footage who would use it for "entertianment" value.

I'm supposed to meet with the Girl Scout leader lady to get information on becoming a Daisy Leader. I actually called about getting my daughter involved and somehow got myself suckered into volunteering. What I said was "I might be interested in getting more information on being a Daisy troop leader." And what the lady said back to me was "great, pick a day you want to have your meetings and I'll make up some flyers." Sooooo, I think I'm a Daisy Scout leader. I have NO idea what that involves or what my responsibilites are. I guess I'll "wing it."

I am still washing tie dyes. MonkeyBrigade dyed them all day Sunday and it usually takes about four days to get them all washed. We can only was about 6 items at a time or they bleed into the whites of the piece we are dying. The text book covers are turning out really cool. Also, we did some cute little halter dresses that look like watermelons. I need to paint on the seeds.

I skipped my Weight Watchers weigh in because I'm premenstrual. I should have lost weight because I did really good at counting my points last week. But no....I stayed the same because my body has other plans. Come to think of it...maybe my premenstrual hormones are what are making me so emotional about my best friend Steve Irwin dying.

Crocodile Hunter

I can't say that I've been a huge fan of Steve Irwin's but if I happen to be flipping the channel and he was on, I would almost always watch it for a bit. He was entertaining and fun and most importantly he was an animal activist and conservationist. I read that he donated the majority of his fortune (millions) to animal causes and for preservations and that he lived a rather humble lifestyle. It's very sad, this planet Earth lost a warrior.

I found this quote from him:
"These Hitlers use the camouflage of science to make money out of animals... So whenever they murder our animals and call it sustainable use, I'll fight it. Since when has killing a wild animal, eating it or wearing it, ever saved a species?

There are people who butt out their cigarettes in gorilla-paw ashtrays, with wastepaper baskets that were once elephant feet, who have ivory ornaments… who wear cheetah fur.Don't buy these things! Then there'll be no market and the animals won't be killed.

We have domesticated livestock raised for consumption and perfectly good fake leather and fur, so why must we kill wild animals to satisfy the macabre taste of some rich person?"

Oreo Thief

This is a funny story I remembered from my past.

I used to work as a Quality Analyst at a printing plant. I basically escorted customers (Art Directors, Publishers, Production Managers, etc.) to press and let them edit color on their magazines. As a sidenote, I am now the customer and get escorted by my old co-workers to press. It is a weird dynamic but it really is pretty sweet to be able to return to your old job and have everyone have to basically kiss your ass.
When I worked as a QA, we had a new customer in the plant okaying FLAUNT magazine. A trendy, LA based magazine with a very flamboyant creator named Luis.
Luis was in the plant and he was a self proclaimed "Queen" and I remember he used the word fuck a lot. I thought he was awesome. He told me stories about celebrities he had met and the groupie that I am, I was impressed. He must have liked me because he bought me a bottle of perfume for my birthday (which was the same week he was in the plant.)
Anyway, one time we were out at press and the head press operator (an old timer who's been a press operator for like 40 years) had a bag of Oreo cookies sitting next to his work station. There were only two left and when he went out of the doghouse, Luis sneakily reached over and shoved them both in his mouth. He didn't think anyone had seen him but I did. He lowered his head and continued to color correct as he ate the cookies. The head press operator came back in and went to grab his remaining cookies and saw they were gone. He looked at me and was like "what the fuck happened to my cookies?" Luis said "Don't look at me" in his very flamboyant manner (think Carson Kressley from Queer Eye) but as he said it you could see Oreo cookie all over his teeth.
Of course there was nothing we could do or say since he was the customer but the look on the operator's face was priceless. I was just on his press Saturday morning and we recalled that memory. Kenny (the operator) said he was pissed, he wanted those cookies.

Challenging Music Post

I stole this list from stinkypaw. It is quite challenging. Give it a try.
Choose a musician and answer the questions using only song titles from that person. I chose Leonard Cohen (who I think is amazing.)

1. Are you male or female? Lady Midnight
2. Describe yourself. Bird on a Wire
3. How do some people feel about you? Everybody Knows
4. How do you feel about yourself? Waiting For The Miracle
5. Describe your "ex". Heart With No Companion or There is a War
6. Describe your current significant other. Dance Me to the End of Love
7. Describe where you want to be. Chelsea Hotel
8. Describe how you live. Be For Real
9. Describe how you love. Hallelujah
10. What would you ask for if you had a wish? The Future
11. Share a few words of wisdom. Don't Go Home With Your Hard-On
12. Now say goodbye. So Long, Marianne

All About Joey & Harty

My five year old doesn't have imaginary friends, she has imaginary "children." I know she has at least five but the two who get the most attention are Harty and Joey.

Harty is a sweetheart and very likeable child. She helps Mazzy pick up her room and shares her toys with the other "kids." Harty has pink hair and is five years old. Today is her surprise birthday (it is ALWAYS her birthday and Mazzy ALWAYS wants to buy "Harty" a present). Her favorite language is French and she is fluent. She frequently gives Mazzy lessons in French. In case you didn't know ~ "maroya" is how you say "love" in French (hey, Harty should know). Harty wants to be a ballet teacher when she grows up.

Now, Joey is the little stinker of the group. He is often responsible for messing up Mazzy's room and once even locked Mazzy in her closet. Joey is four years old and likes water guns and wants to be a watergun boy fairy when he grows up. Last week Mazzy told me a secret about Joey. She said to me "he has big boobs like you, Mom." Mazzy says she loves him and is teaching him how to be good. Joey is in school right now, he has summer school (of course). Mazzy is fluent in "Rubbish" and she learned this from Joey. Joey isn't allowed at Nana and Papa's house anymore after acting up over there and making a mess. I've tried to ban him from our house but he keeps sneaking back in.

Mazzy does have a few other imaginary family members.
She had a step sister who was killed by a truck. She is buried in the cemetary up the street.
Another step sister ( a teenager) is living in Japan. Her name is "Jaln" which is pronounced "Jewel"

friday

it's Friday. Big Fucking Deal.

shows I wish I'd seen

1. the Cure
2. Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
3. David Bowie
4. Neil Diamond (I swear I will see him someday)
5. The Grateful Dead's Last show ~ it was in Chicago ~ I had a ticket but sold it because I was leaving for Europe the following day. Damn! I read about Jerry's death a month later while I was in France. Depressed.

top 10

Stolen topic from Galoot.

Favorite concerts/shows in no particular order.

1. Jane's Addiction ~ it was 1988 and the only song I knew of Jane's was "Jane Says" which is still one of my all time favorite songs. My roommate Kristin had a ticket and decided not to go so she gave me her ticket. Woody's on the beach in Miami. Perry came on stage with pink dreads, and a corset and the whole pit started slowly and dramatically swaying. It was as if the crowd were really waves and I vividly remember feeling as if I would suffocate. I found my way to the bar and sat on the bar with some total strangers just lost in the music (okay, we all smoked some pot on the way to the show). I have seen Jane's four other times since that first experience.

2. Blues Traveler ~ it was probably about 1994 and my friend Scott and I went to Chicago to see them at the Aragon Ballroom. I lost Scott early into the show and so it was just me and the music and I loved it.

3. Peter Murphy ~ holy shit, I love Peter Murphy. Magda and I got so close I was leaning on the stage. Opening act on the ticket was "special guest" and when the band came out it was Nine Inch Nails. Pretty Hate Machine had just been released and NIN was brand spankin new. I recall Trent spitting into the crowd and I got wet. As amazing as NIN was, Peter Murphy was all sex and slither and I'm getting turned on just remembering it. He held my hand and squeezed and Magda and I got invited back stage. He asked where I was from (the show was in Miami) and when I said Chicago, he said he'd be playing at the Metro in Chicago the following week and I should come. I know I said I'd be there and believe me I was thinking of any way possible but I was a broke college student who couldn't just fly home for a concert. I think I'll go put on a Peter Murphy CD right now.

4. The Grateful Dead. Buckeye Lake, Ohio. I was tripping and Magda was selling my t-shirts. It was hot as Hell and AWESOME. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to experience a Dead show. It will never be repeated.

5. Red Hot Chili Peppers at Respectable St Cafe in West Palm Beach. 1988 and this tiny little club with apartments upstairs. My friend Heidi was dating a guy who lived in one of the apartments so we didn't even have to pay. It was Mother's Milk tour and RHCP's were not the mega band they were to become. After the show they partied upstairs at the other apartment with the door open. We waved but why the Hell didn't we go over and party with them??? Oh, yeah, the show was crazy ~ imagine them in '88 on the verge of success beyond their dreams.

6. Smashing Pumpkins at some dive bar on campus at U of I. It was the Gish tour and they really weren't well known outside of Illinois but they were fantastic.

7. Lollapalooza~ I went to four I think, they all are blending together. I saw two at Tinley Park and one at Star Lake. Tinley Park was Beastie Boys and they stand out as a highlight. Pearl Jam too but more because I met Eddie Vedder (who at the time I was having a vivid love affair with ~ in my fantasies). I also saw the one with Metallica headlining (that happened right?). I didn't even get close to the main stage but instead sat at the second stage and watched Ben Folds Five, Cornershop, and Ruby ~ all were excellent.

8. WHF-estival. I flew to Baltimore twice for this amazing festival. Highlights the first year were Foo Fighters, No Doubt, and Jimmy's Chicken Shack (second stage). I remember Jewel walking off stage because someone hit her in the boob with a frisbee. The following year was Beck (so much fun), Prodigy (who are not my favorite band but gave a high energy show), and they showed clips of Jewel getting hit with the frisbee the previous year over and over and over. We had great seats because my friend's brother worked for the CIA and they have their own ticket master (did you know that?).

9. Bob Dylan with Brian Setzer ~ of course Bob Dylan is a legend, he sounded great and I didn't have any trouble at all understanding him. It was fun to watch the Setzer fans dancing. They played several encores together.

10. Ani DeFranco, she's a strange one because her writing is so prolific and half of it is shit and the other half is brilliant. My friend was not yet out of the closet and asked me to go with her, we had fun and when she sang "Both Hands", it was very emotional. It is a great song.

honorable mentions: matthew sweet, seven year bitch, jerry garcia band, and white zombie.

Damn, this is too hard. I keep thinking of other bands I've seen and they all have some special place and memory that make it hard to decide which are my favorites.

I Love Toys!

So, VH1 finished up their countdown of the 100 greatest toys ever and I have to disagree with many of their choices.
First off, there is no way the slinky should have made top 10, it is the suckiest toy. Really, big deal it walks down stairs. What about the kids who lived in ranch style homes an didn't have stairs? The slinky was boring.
Now, the hula hoop was the number one toy of all time??? Pu-lease, maybe it was the number one toy of 1950 but it isn't even in the same league as Atari or even the freaking skate board. Why the Hell weren't they ranked in the top ten?
Plus, I cannot believe that the Snoopy Snow Cone maker beat crayola crayons. Okay, so here is my list of top 10 toys. It is based on the amount of play I got out of the toy and if my kids also enjoy the toy after 20 years.
1. Crayola Crayons is numero uno.
2. Legos
3. Atari (obviously Playstation and Nintendo are superior but Atari came first)
4. Bicycle (ranks 4 and not higher because you can only play with it half the year)
5. Barbie (I loved decorating her house and picking out pretty clothes for her)
6. Candy Land (I played it when I was little and my kids play it now ~ a great game for toddlers)
7. Baby Alive (I loved my baby and loved feeding her and changing her diapers. My daughter doesn't have a Baby Alive doll but has similar baby dolls she plays with)
8. Fashion Plates (I realize this is one of those toys only a certain type of child would like, but I loved it and my daughter has an updated version with the Winx characters)
9. Star Wars figures (I didn't actually have these figures but my brother did and I loved the movies. I did have Wicket the Ewok and still have him today.)
10. Record Player with microphone (can't remember if it had an actual name but I loved this toy up until my brother used the mic cord to tie me up and force me to break it in order to escape. I really hated him for that. Fortunately, these days I can play with the Karaoke Revolution.)

twenty one jump street

Just a story about 21 Jump Street.
Do any of you remember when Fox was the coolest channel on tv? Sunday nights were the shit, The Simpsons, Married With Children, and of course 21 Jump Street. I was living with Kristen and Magda at Tropical Gardens in Fort Lauderdale. We didn't have a TV but Kristen borrowed one of those tiny little black and white things and we would gather around on Sunday and watch the Fox lineup.

We knew very early on that Johnny Depp was awesome but seriously who could have guessed about the career he would have?

At some point, in the Fall or Winter (must have been cold in Canada because the premise of the show was that everyone but Johnny's and Peter DeLouise's characters were freezing but those two got to go on an assignment in Miami and the others were jealous), anyway....the show put up flyers requesting extras to show up at Woody's on the Beach in Miami and a bunch of us decided to skip classes and go.

My friend Cindy and I drove together and worried that we wouldn't be able to find our friends once we got there because there were sooooo many people (keep in mind, this was pre-cell phone days). So we arrive and walk out to the beach to start the search. Well, the entire beach was full of beautiful bodies dressed in pastel and colorful bikinis and swim trunks and then there was one lone table with a group of obviously "art" students wearing mostly black. Black hair, black pants and shorts, long sleeve shirts and not one swimsuit in the lot was there standing out like a sore thumb. "Uh...I think I see them." "Gee, you think?"

So, we gather at the "art" table and wait for our moment of fame. I don't think the producers were really looking for that type of extra because we didn't exactly get front row seats when the cameras were rolling. We were however standing toward the back of the crowd and as luck would have it is where Johnny Depp was making his entrance from. So, for several takes he had to keep brushing past me to get to the front of the crowd where the female jello wrestlers were (high class). I was next to my friend Frank who kept standing on his tip toes to try and see.

We spent the whole day there and during breaks we were able to get autographs and bug the stars (such groupies!). Cindy took these shots and got a cute one of Peter winking at her playfully, she was so happy. One of our other friends, Dawn (Frank's girlfriend) was standing right next to me and she is petit and had jet black bluntly cut hair and was wearing very goth clothes and as Johnny walked by he totally checked her out. I was so jealous. She looked at me like "did he just do what I think he did or was that my imagination?" He was engaged to Winona Ryder at that time and Dawn had that whole look going on.

The day ended and we anxiously waited to see the episode which didn't air for several weeks. When it did air we taped it of course. We watched and when the scenes came on that we knew we were in, we looked closely for any sign of us. Not one glimpse. We rewound the tape and watched in slow motion and there it was....Frank's nose peeking out over the crowd. It was hilarious and Frank's nose had it's 1 second of fame and I knew I was standing right next to him so I lived vicariously through Frank and his nose.

Question for a Catholic

So, since St. Patrick's Day is on Friday this year and Catholics don't eat meat on Fridays and since a LOT of Irish are also Catholics and they shouldn't eat corned beef this year but how can they make up new rules for an occassion such as this?
In our local paper a family of prominate Irish Catholics are hosting a St. Patty's party on Friday the 17th and they noted on the invitation/ad that all Catholics would be forgiven or absolved or whatever gives them permission to eat corned beef this year during lent. It seems very hypocritical (hmmmm like most religions I suppose).
I liken it to Quantum Physics which I also think is total bullshit. Quantum Physics says that any possibility is happening at anytime on any level across the Universe. It makes a great theory for a SciFi show (or two: Quantum Leap and Sliders). Just make up the rules as you go and change them when it's inconvenient (Calvinball anyone?)

Ode to a Friday

I remember the days when Fridays were great
Anticipation of staying out late
My friends and I would have so much fun
3 am and we still weren't done

The sun coming up, drunken sighs
Greasy cheeseburgers, greasy fries
Saturdays were slept away
No kids to wake us cuz they want to play

It's Friday today and I'd hardly know
Same as yesterday, no place to go
No getting dressed up in my Bratz Doll best
Falling asleep at 9 because I need some rest

Growing older doesn't bother me near as much
As growing boring.


Ah...Friday I loved you so

You don't mess around with Jim

So about a hundred years ago (okay so more like 15 years ago), Preppygirl and I were driving my little Ford truck from western New York to Fort Lauderdale (a long fucking drive). Of course we were very poor at that time of our lives (like sooo much has changed there right) anyway because we would rather spend our money on beer, stopping at a hotel would have been ludicrous. Well my little S10 came fully equipped with nothing but an AM radio (which I love am radio now like late late night listening to Art Bell but that is another story) anyway, I had brought along a little tape player (remember we called them "jam boxes"? that sounds so retarded now doesn't it?) and plenty of batteries.
I took the first shift (after Preppygirl's dad had to pay to have a new battery installed on my truck~I hope I remembered to pay him back for that), I drove for several hours and then Prep took over. I wanted to make sure she was set with music and snacks so she could concentrate on driving. So, she choose the Jim Croce greatest hits tape (seems she loved Jim Croce as it reminded her of her youth) and we put it on loop and I fell asleep. Somewhere around Washington DC I woke up to Prep weaving on the highway and her hands down around my feet trying to access the "jam box". I was like "what do you need?" and she screams at me "I fucking hate Jim Croce!" It seems that his greatest hits tape only had about 6 songs on it and it had been playing for several hours driving her slowly insane. I still laugh when I hear Time in a Bottle or Bad Bad Leroy Brown. I'm afraid that one road trip ruined old Jim for her.
Several years later when Prep came to my bachelorette party in Chicago, she brought me a little gift. It was a collage of she and I in some of our more "interesting" moments and there in the middle of our picture was a tiny head of Jim Croce.
ah...photographs and memories.

Captain Amy Morgan and the 5th Graders Unnamed Love Story

Okay my next trip up to the city was for a little play called "A 5th Graders Unnamed Love-Suicide".
I took my friends Amy and Allison, both were experiencing one of Jimmy's plays for the first time and neither knew what to expect. Like me at the Helen Project, they were in for a surprise.
So we drive up and we are on I55 getting close to Chicago and I notice a black trans-am darting in and out of traffic and I think to myself "watch out for that guy". I was in front of him and I look in my rear view mirror and see him drive right into a semi. The trans-am bounces to the left and spins out and goes into the median. Allison and Amy don't see this because they are looking forward and I calmly say "I think I just saw a bad accident, turn around". They turn around and see the immediate aftermath and we all sorta panic and wonder if we should call 911 or what. Allison gets on her cell and dials, the operator tells her she needs to call a different number for the area we were in and we are like what the fuck? Of course we are still driving north so we are now nowhere near the accident. She called like 3 or 4 numbers and finally we gave up and decided an ambulance was probably already there. We have no idea what ended up happening but it was scary to think if I'd been one car behind instead of in front.
Anyway, we arrive at the theater and of course have to go to Charmers ~ the greatest little art deco gay bar located right next to the theater. While we're there I try to explain to Allison and Amy about how small this theater is and what to expect. When it was time for the play, we walked over and purchased our tickets. We went into a small room with folding chairs arranged in a single row around the rectangular room. It was probably only about 6 feet from one side to the other. The actors come out and they are dressed like 4th graders. The play is about the death of one of the students named Johnny. He is killed by a handgun that goes off and everyone assumes it is a suicide. The other students perform a play that Johnny had written before he died. It is really kinda depressing but was really powerful in it's simplicity. I enjoyed it very much.
Half way through the play, during intermission Amy leans over and says to me "when do we go into the play?" I laughed my ass off. She thought the whole time (which at this point is almost an hour) that we were in the waiting room watching some "pre play" skit.
Thankfully after the play, Allison decided not to drink at all because she was a little sick so I got to enjoy myself and not be DD. I still wonder what happened to trans-am guy.

Folk Duo

I decided I'm going to learn how to play guitar and be in a folk duo with ChimpJones. This is just so we can sing the song "let the mystery be" by Iris Dement. It will most likely be the only song in our repertoire but it will be awesome. We are currently taking suggestions for names of our duo so anyone have any suggestions?

Kids say the darndest things

WARNING: men may be embarrassed reading this post.

A couple of days ago I am with my family at a restaurant. I take my 4 year old into the restroom with me and make her come into the stall since there are other people in the bathroom and I dont want anyone to "steal" her. She uses the toilet first and I decided I needed to go too. I happened to be wearing those "period" underwear (do all women have these?) and she notices the stain and says very loudly "Mom, you have a stain in your underwear. I think next time you do the laundry you need to use stain remover on that." I hear muffled laughing coming from the next stall and I'm sure that lady is picturing skid marks or something.
Oh the unfiltered honesty of children.

My most embarrassing moment

I decided to share this little story with you all. It's taken me some time to be able to talk about it but I think I'm finally ready (sniffle sniffle).
I was 24 and travelling through Europe with a friend (Kristen). We were in Munich and Kristen was tired from the train ride but I wanted to explore. A cute guy (Mike) came to our hostel and handed out flyers promoting his "bike tours" so I decided that sounded like a great idea. I figured out the directions and made it to the meeting place and signed up. I was feeling pretty good and a little slap happy from being over tired but it was a beautiful day for a bike ride.
So, Mike takes us all over the city which is gorgeous and we end up in a park with a pristine river running through it. He stops and proceeds to get naked. Totally Naked! He tells us all to get naked because we are jumping in the river. So, there are about a dozen of us tour takers and about half were taking their clothes off. I'm just standing there debating on what to do when Mike says "c'mon Shannon ~ don't be an American prude, be adventurous. Have FUN!". Did I mention that he is totally naked?.
Well, I had promised myself that one of the things I would do in Europe is to go topless (at the beach) and I hadn't done that yet so I was seriously considering doing this. Then Mike said "just wear your bra and panties then". "Alright, jeez". So I take my shorts and top off and realize I am wearing these tiny little "jungle" printed underwear that my friend Cathy had given me for the trip (she seemed to think they were approprate for travel wear.) Let me tell you that I am not a tiny little girl with a tiny little bottom. I'm not grotesque or anything but lets just say I'm "fluffy". So I walk as delicately as possible over to the group and prepare to jump in. Then Mike says "okay Shannon, you're first. Here, we'll help you." "UH, help me what?" I say. Then he informs me that we are climbing a tree and using a rope swing to jump in by. He says we are supposed to swing out far enough to swim to a small island in the middle and from there we would take the current down river. It was too late to back out now so I start climbing. I realize that as I'm climbing my underwear are not covering the important area that they needed to be covering and that the two guys who are "helping" me climb this tree are probably seeing more of me than necessary. So, I am hurrying to get ahold of the rope and get my ass (and vagina) in the water as quickly as possible. I reach for the rope and slip and fall ~ I do land in the water but I don't make it out far enough to swim to the alotted island where we were to go. The current is super strong and it starts carrying me down river immediately. My contacts are going up into my eyeballs and I'm sputtering trying to get my breath. Mike jumps in and tries to help me get across and I don't have any idea what the rest of the group is doing because I am long gone by now. Mike helps me get to the other side of the bank and tells me to grab onto a bush that is hanging in the water. He tells me to climb out. What the Fuck? Climb out? I thought this would be a nice leisurely swim and that it would come to a nice easy slope where I could walk out gracefully with my pride and my underwear intact.
Well, I grab onto the branch and the current is so strong that it pulls my underwear off. I am not kidding! I grab them and now have them in my hands and have to CLIMB out of the river with my big ass aimed right at Mike the bike tour guide. He was staying to help me out and I assured him I could handle it and he could go on down river further. He got the hint and went a little ways up to climb out himself. I climb out put my jungle underwear back on and say to him "uh, real fun Mike. Thanks". I still have to face the rest of the group and the guys that saw my cootchie on the tree rope. Great, I think to myself. One of the wives has a video camera~ there goes my political career. I still expect to see my "moment" show up on one of those TV video shows.
No one in the group said anything to me but I imagine they were laughing their asses off while I was sputtering and flying down river (I would have been). We all got back on our bikes and stopped for beers, I had the biggest glass they sold. It is definitelly my most embarrassing moment.